LOVE N HATE !

So yeah, I thought I knew it all, thought that life was still sweet.
Had me dancing round thinking we could really work our silly differences out.
I don't understand why, playing both fields, like I was just a game.
Now come to find out, you've been lying on me to get into her. She thought you where somebody as I have always known, somebody that could always bring the sun after a rainy sky. Painting beautiful pictures of how life should be, between you and I. I've never turned away, never went away, I was such a fool,

I played along with your silly little mind games.
So now I have this horrible void, what you where to me, what you are, and have become. It is so apparent, I thought I knew it all, WTF is going on?
You lied to me, I'm disgusted, angry, and my tears have finally run dry for you. Talks of winning, what the hell did I win, I was and am beaten, a selfish golden boy, never could just shut the door, was never content, and only cared about getting his dick wet?
My pain is deep, and even more so now then before, my protector, "My only love sprung from my only hate!" You have left a void so great, and what's worse I have to deal with you, day to day. I can't walk away, as can her without attachments. She can start a new, as I see your eyes and your smile in my seeds daily ! You are somebody to me, my life, I must move forward, but I'm stuck, confused, and still wondering. So I'm sitting here telling myself, life will get better.
I was delt a bad hand, now theres no cards left to play?

"I do protest, I've never injured thee, but love thee better than thou canst devise till thou shalt know the reason of my love. "

UNDER MY SKIN, HA ! -quote-

" try and try to get under my skin, but your only maken it worse on that end ! "
SO HERES TO THE GUYS THAT LOVED ME, FOR ME!
THE LOSERS WHO LOST ME, BECAUSE THEY WERE UNSURE!
AND THE LUCKY ONE WHO GETS TO KNOW ME!

MAYHEM ! -quote-

a mindless endless maze that we call life - to which is own - mayhem is what i perfer !

A work in progress.......... ?

So I sit and contemplate on my life's little in perfections, and wonder why the noose seems to tighten but does not end my demise…..

The demise of ones self , sitting , motionless, while life moves with no remorse.

Can life in itself set every waking moment, does it sit and press buttons on how my destiny will end.

For in one brief second it can be erased away, snuffed out and reposed.

How does one cope with such lifeless implements ? Knowing that one day we shall meet our fate.

Anxious, exhausted, and depleted we live out our days…… and only the few with no disturbance.

So I sit and contemplate on my life , and I try to understand why I must face all these unknowing battle's of absolute nothing.

Feeling unenthusiastic, I ask myself," Am I still a work in progress? "

As every thread tightens just a little more around my neck until the air has been exhaled from every cell and my finger tips go numb.

I hang around and wait patiently for my end.

UNKINDEST CUT - quote -

"lost in hopes and letting go of all the could have beens, for this was the unkindest cut i shall forever know"

TRUST !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can not force my feelings, my values, my ideas, and my beliefs onto others. Only that they will see past the shell and hear the truth in my words. I do not wear my heart on my shoulders but cup it in my hands. For to utter the word love can bring joy or the complete opposite pain. So do i so cup my heart n my hands so tightly as to not allow the light to come in. I wait, for the endless lies to end, the storys of nothing, and the facade to drown away, for malice has many names. See past this shell, my thoughts, my dreams, my pulse, my breath, and see the inside, ME ! But Trust is learned, accepted, taken one step at a time and no not just givin, so until then i wait patiently for that one to take my hands into theres.

Whispers of Nothing .

So the question is why lead someone down the road to nothing?something of no importance, non - existing, no breath, no heart beat, absolute empty......... and no meaning.

why taint a soul who has in it self been tainted, with disbelief, stained and scorned many times before......

does one wake up one day and ask for such malice acts, does are destiny dance around us, stealing ever wink of hope, every inhale of what's beyond reach.

life almost moves in such a slow motion, remembering every second, minute, and hour, like a pendulum swinging, you can hear the sound of air being lacerated, and unwrapped.

your reflection, so untouchable, lifeless, a clone of something unnatural, broken, and cold. Living a facade, that no one can relate too, wearing a mask of vacancy....

Can one live there days with absolute empty? And how long can you stand ?......

how long before you body begins to ache, your chest becomes tighter, and your mouth taste bitter, grievous, and distressful.how long before the silent cries, become so unbearable, unendurable, and intolerable....

until one finds themselves staring up.... for something, anything to fall .Your spirit dejected and melancholy but then a glimmer of blue breaks thru the endless sea of gray .

Tired , and heavy your eyes become in that brief second and you feel a breeze sway and swing ,moving you to a silent melody that only you can hear.

and for that one second it feels so good, marvelous, and almost pleasing but to good to be true to fast, and you realize that reality hasn't stopped moving throughout and around your existence....

and then silence falls, the sea of endless gray conquers, defeating the beauty above, and your left pondering, waiting, for the answer, hoping for this small ambition to become reality......

and the question hits you so hard, and deal such a blow..... you can here the impact like a falling body.....

The question, no more than a simple question is left imbedded, and buried into ones ghost.....whispering it repeats itself over and over like scratched and morbid vinyl playing on a rusted old gramophone ........

My mind whispers again, "So why did you lead me down the road to nothing?"

I SIGH OF HOPE !

I FOUND THIS NOTE ,

A PAGE IN THIS BOX I

KEPT, WHEN I WAS LIKE 17

(HE CALLED TODAY, HE WAS PISSED,I COULD HERE IT IN HIS VOICE )

Me: WHY ARE YOU UPSET?

You: BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU SO MUCH , SO MUCH THAT I CANT LET GO.

Me: OK !

(SO I SAID SOMETHING STUPID TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER AND WE TALKED AND BEHAVED OUR USUAL DORkY WAY. THEN HE GOT QUIET......)

You: WHY?

Me: WHY WHAT?

You: BUT IM SUCH A TURD!

(AND I SMILED )

Me: I KNOW YOUR A TURD, THATS WHY I LOVE YOU!

(SO THEN HE JUST STAYED QUIET....SO THEN I THOUGHT AND SPOKE OUT LOUD)

Me: MAYBE I SHOULDNT HAVE SAID THAT...

You: NAA ITS OK .

(SILENCE AGAIN)

You: SO DOES THIS MEAN WERE STILL GETTING MARRIED?

Me: I SAID AHHH WHY NOT?

(WE GIGGLED FOR ONLY IN A DREAM, AND THEN WE HAD THIS ISSUE, WITH OUR PHONES, MY CALLING CARD RAN OUT, THEN HE CALLED BACK, THEN HIS PHONE SOUNDED HORRIBLE, SO HE HUNG UP. THEN FINALLY AFTER ABOUT 7 MINUTES OF STRUGGLING TO TALK TO EACH OTHER AND WHAT NOT ....)

You: ILL CALL U TOMMOROW, OK MY PHONE SOUNDS LIKE SHIT ?

Me: OK ILL TALK TO YOU TOMMOROW....

(LONG PAUSE)

Me: I DONT THINK YOU WANT TO HEAR IT....HUH?

You: I LOVE YOU TOO!

Me: BYE TURD!

You: BYE TURD-AMOUS!

( WE HUNG UP, I FLUFFED MY PILLOWS AND MELTED INTO THEM, WITH A SIGH OF HOPE ! )